I really would love for someone to come and fondle my balls for a while. The boys are crying out for attention.
Why do I feel so lonely right now?
Something is not right. Something is just a little off, out of place… I can’t put my finger on it. It’s like something I see out of the corner of my eye but when I turn to look at it there’s nothing there. Nothing at all. It’s going to drive me crazy if I don’t figure it out.
If i just stopped.
Stopped posting, stopped texting, stopped emailing, stopped sending kik messages, stopped posting to instagram…
Just dropped it all… deleted everything…
How many people would notice? How long would it be before someone tried to reach out to me? Who would?
It’s an experiment I dare not try. It’s information I’d probably rather not know.
I know that there are a couple of people on whom I can rely, who wouldn’t let me fall through the cracks, but I rely so heavily on tumblr to have something approaching an actual social life. It scares me that the majority of people may not even bat an eyelash or not even notice my absence for weeks or months, if at all.
Missus C told me last night that K has decided on a different gift than she had originally decided to give me for my birthday. I’ve been downgraded. She was going to get me a gift certificate for a mani/pedi at place where I like to go, but crying poverty, has decided on something else.
She didn’t even have to tell me what the alternate gift was. I guessed it right off the bat: a Starbucks gift card. And I’m completely happy with that. But this raises two points of consternation in my head, which is already filled with enough negative shit at the moment.
I haven’t had a lot to kvetch about… my birthday was so much better than I had anticipated. Work is good. The weather is getting nicer and nicer. I feel good; there’s nothing I can really complain about health or body-wise.
I still feel like I’m only halfway living my life. I have friends and a social life but it’s all online. I don’t feel quite as frustrated sexually as I did say… six months ago, but it’s still been well over a year since I’ve actually had sex. I still find myself doing the majority of household chores, shopping, etc., and have nearly no time to just be idle. If I want idle time I have to stay up really late and sequester myself to the mancave.
I’m not quite happy, but am approaching something that sort of resembles contentment. Is that enough? Do I have a right to complain? Is what I have so very different from what other people experience? Are my expectations too high? or too low?
I don’t know, but part of me is yelling, “Don’t you fucking settle for this!” And I want to agree but I’m also just so tired of wanting more.